The 5 Star Sadness Examination

There are some interesting things you learn about you when you are sad. These are them as follows: 

1. Love does not bode well for the fragile female psyche of a bored individual. In fact, love while depressed, will almost always result in a deeper feeling of failure and disappointment. So, I advise you and me, to steer clear of apps such as: Tinder, Match.com, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, OkCupid, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Google, Safari, Facebook, Gmail, Messages, and the YouTube comment section- all places where I have witnessed love come and quickly go. No @sexymanbigmuscle3340 does not, in fact, love you. 

2. Booze. While starting off as a brilliant idea in the mind of a sad sober person, will pave the way for many more tears, an intimate session with the toilet (at least you will not be alone), and phone calls you may will regret the next morning. At risk are: your bank account, life decisions, self-image. See Katy Perry’s “That’s What You Get for Waking Up in Vegas”. 

3. Getting down and dirty with a shower will provide anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours of relief. Soap up. No one can see you punch and shake in the safety of four walls with dirty grout and tile, nor can they see you pee. If you haven’t peed while standing up and crying, I highly recommend it, nothing like releasing liquid from two parts of your body at once- four if you count the spit and snot that accompanies sobbing. 

4. Sometimes all I can do is sit. I sit on the ground, sit in the chair I took off my neighbor’s sidewalk, sit on a desk, on the ledge of the bathtub, in the car, in the dirt. This is usually followed by a long sigh, the desire to cry but the inability to complete the action, a full feeling in the brain, the insatiable need to text the friend who ghosted me, and the consideration of examination point number 2.  

5. Just because you feel this way about yourself doesn’t mean everyone else does. As I type that, I hear my second self call, “Yeah right.” But it’s true, I hope. If not, please message me and allow me to hear the difficult truth. Anyways, for the sake of being uplifting and hopeful and all that superficial bogus, you as an individual are probably a far better person depressed than even half of the clinically sane people in America. Stay positive, so you, again, don’t resort to number 2.