If It Was

I drove. 

And drove. 

And drove. 

Up past the lake, up into the mountains, up into the smoke, and fire, and dust. And I parked on the side of the road, in the dirt, left the hazards on and got out. And I ran as hard as I could, kicking up ash and charcoaled cacti. And I cursed, and kicked the toe of my shoe straight through the trunk of a tree, and wept. And the ground swallowed up the tears, a much needed drink. And I looked up, and saw the sienna moon, and stuck my middle finger up to her, and asked her to pull the ocean so far in, that it drank you up and never spit you out. 

I sat on the side of the hill, my blinker lights alienated from the thin layer of smoke that kept me bundled up from reality. No service here, even if you called I did not have the option to answer, the lack of power lines made my decisions for me. What peace. 

I have never know peace like the peace that comes from having no choice. Decisions bring forth hostility, violence, I hate decisions. If it was to happen anyways, then let it happen. 

If It Was- A poem, or ramble with varying lines 

If it was to happen, let it 

If it was to happen anyways 

I will not fight it 

I would not have fought it

I would have already known 

And if she was to die 

And I knew that it was to be this way 

Only death 

And no different 

Then I would accept it for her

And I would not fight 

And if he was to fall rapidly away 

Let him go quickly 

And let me be silent towards him forever

Then I would accept it, gone,

And I would not fight 

And if you were leaving 

I wish that I knew you were 

I wish that I had no choice 

And let me let you go as far as possible

Then I would accept, nothing to do

And I would not fight

For if it was 

And if it were

And if it will always be this way 

"The way" meaning 

There is nothing I could do 

To alter what will be 

Then I would accept it 

And I would not fight. 

How much easier would it be to know the final outcome. We are only granted chaos, that one decision may always haunt you. The lingering whisper of an if only... if only you had taken a different path. Yes, the very idea of the butterfly effect terrorizes me.