and when i finally sleep

When it is late, far into the night

I've taken an evening nap 

Woken up weaker than before it 

And drank three glasses of water

I lay awake, though parts of my brain numb 

And when I have wrapped myself in a blanket

I look down, at my legs 

Which are stuck straight, and still

And they do not seem to be my legs 

Covered by the blanket

They do not seem to be attached to my body 

And I think to myself 

They look dead

And I stare at them 

Imagining this is what my parents 

And my cousins 

Will see at my funeral

Implying that I died before the oldest

And the casket is open 

And I will be covered by a fleece blanket

Lying on top of another

Block letters that spell Mexico 

With an orange stain on the fringe 

When I die. 

The words are so strange

Familiar, and yet every time 

I allow them to linger 

They pack a salted gut punch 

That stings

That sends me into a frenzy 

When I have a headache 

Or eat spicy food and google "heart attack at age 21" 

And then I come up with impossible statistics

That will lead me to an early grave

And if I just trusted in my Maker...

But trust is so difficult

Trust is harder than death 

Faith is hard

And yet faith cures the frenzy 

Frenzy leads to fear 

Which a father lays to rest 

So death I will not fear 

No more 

For when my time has come 

I know it will be right

And each breath I take is my signal 

That I am to be here 

Now, right where I stand 

And when I finally sleep 

Praise be to God.